health and fitness: I struggle to cope with dad since mum’s death

jeudi 28 mai 2015

I struggle to cope with dad since mum’s death – he can be abusive

He complains about everything when I visit and I fear for what will happen as he grows older and less able. Annalisa Barbieri advises a reader

I have a difficult relationship with my dad, who is in his 70s. He is introverted, judgmental and insecure whereas I am not. I try to empathise and be considerate, and understand that these are not things that are always his fault. But he constantly complains about everything, from our lifestyle to the way our children behave. He considers that I am bright but wasted, having not studied science subjects, and that all else is useless. I have a strong sense of social justice and he considers that I champion the underdog, irrespective of circumstance.

My mum died very suddenly of cancer a few years ago. He is not coping well with being on his own and relies heavily on me as a conduit to the outside world and occasionally as a verbal punch bag – recently this has extended to texts and emails. I have managed to put a stop to this – for now – by telling him that I was sharing them with my bereavement counsellor, which he did not like. We come from a small family, and I moved a motorway journey away some years ago, before Mum died, to be nearer to my in-laws who regularly help out and are very supportive. My dad is jealous and judgmental and is essentially very under-confident.