health and fitness: My friend visits another friend nearby but finds it too stressful to see me

samedi 3 octobre 2015

My friend visits another friend nearby but finds it too stressful to see me | Mariella Frostrup

A woman is hurt that her oldest friend makes time to see a mutual friend yet won’t call in on her. Mariella Frostrup says she should adapt to the new situation

The dilemma My oldest friend Sally and I have slowly been drifting apart since she moved away 12 years ago. This is despite the flourishing friendship between her and Anna, who lives not far from me. Sally is reluctant to visit me (despite my offer to pay for her flights) yet frequently flies over to visit Anna without telling me. Anna and I used to be friends, but Anna cut me off a while ago without giving a reason despite me questioning why. Sally told me that she found my visits stressful and exhausting, which hurt me deeply. I’m not by nature a jealous person, but this situation is bringing out the worst in me. Do I let her know how hurt I’ve been over the years and then walk away? Or do I just walk away, keep my dignity and seethe in unspoken jealous rage and confusion?

Mariella replies Is that the only answer? Friendships over long lifetimes suffer from the same strains and undercurrents, separations and reunions as love affairs. Often what we hold to be the fixed terms of our interaction can diffuse or disappear, leaving us feeling empty and alone. At other times we ourselves are in the moving-forward mode and old friends, hanging on to our coat tails, are a restraining weight we’d love to lose.